There's Something About Mary Sue
by Jadrien
Summary: Nobody knows why they all love Mary Sue. They just do.
1. The Sorting

There's Something About Mary Sue  
  
It was a beautiful, brisk September day when Mary Sue came to Hogwarts. Of course, how could it not be when such a stunning creature went anywhere?  
  
Standing at the large oak doors that led to the Great Hall, she stood with a frown upon her gorgeous face. Mary Sue? Frown? The two words simply did not go together!  
  
Apparently, Mary Sue was trying to think of what Headmaster Dumbledore had told her before via owl. She was supposed to walk majestically through the doors after he first introduced her to the students. And yes, the letter really had instructed her to walk majestically. She placed a delicate, perfect ear to the thick wood of the door, but couldn't hear a thing.  
  
Oh well.  
  
"And now students, I'd like to-" Dumbledore began but was interrupted by Mary Sue opening the doors with great flourish. So much flourish in fact, that they bounced off the walls and swung back to knock her unconscious.  
  
For about 30 seconds.  
  
Then she opened the doors with a bit more caution and proceeded to walk down the aisle to where the Sorting Hat lay (and how she immediately knew that she needed to be sorted by that ratty old hat we'll never know. Hey, she's Mary Sue, she knows everything!). A shimmering mist dappled with the bright rays of the sun pervaded around her and a celestial choir of angels began a holy hymn.  
  
"-introduce the beautiful and perfect Miss Mary Sue- er what is her last name-" Dumbledore again tried to make Mary Sue's entrance a very dramatic one, but a first year Hufflepuff, being incredibly in character, glared at him.  
  
"SHUSH! We need to go into an unnecessarily long description of how extraordinarily beautiful Mary Sue is!"  
  
Dumbledore looked abashed. "Right, sorry. I'll be quiet now." The old man sat in his chair, tucking his hands underneath him and looked down at his lap, looking very penitent.  
  
But anyway, so Mary Sue is walking very gracefully down the aisles, albeit a little slowly so that everyone could admire her. Okay, so it took her 20 minutes to finally reach the stupid chair with the Sorting Hat, but really, she was only thinking about everyone else's need to see her stunning features! She was a very kind, thoughtful person.  
  
I'm sure.  
  
So, lets start from the top shall we? THAT HAIR! Oh, how could anyone have such beautiful, sun-kissed, white blond, silky, straight, shimmering hair?  
  
Well, Malfoy, I suppose- but still! It was an incredibly rare and wonderful thing to have!  
  
Malfoy, breaking from his trance, looks up with a smirk towards me, the author, who is somehow above everyone so that she can see everything, and I wink back at him. We have a special connection.  
  
Yet, I digress again. So, okay, now that we have an adequate description of her hair, we'll move on to her- SKIN; that perfectly powdered, porcelain, pearlescent (do I have enough alliteration in here?) skin! Never could there be such perfect sk-  
  
Malfoy again looks up to the ceiling with a warning glare, positioning his face so that the glowing lights from the Great Hall's candles perfectly compliment his own alabaster complexion.  
  
Right, so only one other person shares that flawless skin.  
  
With a satisfied grin, Malfoy goes back to ogling Mary Sue.  
  
Goodness! Her eyes were like two large, shiny sapphires! And those cheekbones! That nose! And- oh my gosh- are her pink, plump lips slightly chapped? Mary Sue stands stock still and immediately whips out some chap stick from her purse (which had been there the whole time, I simply did not mention it) and proceeds to soothe her dry- but perfect-lips. Then she began walking again with the speed of a constipated turtle.  
  
Look at that long, graceful neck! Her perfect shoulders! Her size two-in-most-places-but-otherwise-well-rounded-figure! Those delicate, princess-like, small, perfectly shaped, great, astounding, terrific, amazing feet!  
  
So to sum up, she was rather okay looking.  
  
Finally she reached the Sorting Hat and placed it as a crown upon her angelic head (because she knew exactly what to do though no one had actually told her). The entire Hall was deathly quiet with anticipation.  
  
The Sorting Hat was a hat (amazing, I know) and therefore was not entranced by Mary Sues beauty. No matter how many disturbing fics you've read, inanimate objects do not have hormones!  
  
So he could obviously see that while Mary Sue was the epitome of perfection on the outside, inside there was nothing but a bad Teletubbies episode playing over and over, and over, and over, and over, and over.  
  
And over.  
  
It was on the tip of the Sorting Hat's tongue (if he does have a tongue) to announce her as a reject that needs to take the short bus home, when he felt a very sharp pain on his brim (hats don't have hormones, but they do have feelings okay!). Apparently, the kind, sweet-hearted Miss Mary Sue could tell what he was about to announce and immediately dug her perfectly manicured nails into him in a death grip.  
  
"Don't even think about it you dusty, miserable piece of cloth." She muttered under her breath in satanic tones. "I know where they keep you when you're not reading little children's brains, and let me tell you, I'm just dying to try out my new assortment of scrap booking scissors."  
  
The Sorting Hat gulped- somehow- and knew that if he did not obey to this little chit, he would end up as a new throw pillow for Professor Snape. And he knew well the rumors about Snape and inanimate objects. Shuddering, he shouted the first thing that came to his mind.  
  
"SLYTHGRIFFPUFFCLAW!"  
  
No cheering erupted. Everyone was still very silent but had replaced their looks of excitement with looks of deep confusion. Neville Longbottom felt a part of them for the very first time.  
  
"Bless you!" cried out a well meaning second year, offering her hanky.  
  
Professor McGonagall solved the situation by calmly walking to Mary Sue, picking the Hat off of her head, placing it on the corner of the staff table, and beating it with her enlarged wand that was now the size of a baseball bat.  
  
"Stupid Hat, I knew you were getting too old for this! This is what I get for buying you at a Wizard K-Mart! Stupid, stupid, ratty old thing, I-" Professor McGonagall's energetic reverie was stopped by the perfectly graceful hands of Mary Sue.  
  
"Oh no, Professor, I think the Hat wants me to be in all Houses. I have the best qualities of all of them, so the poor Hat couldn't decide which one to put me in!" Mary Sue explained, using the cutest of gestures.  
  
"Oh."  
  
McGonagall looked disturbingly disappointed.  
  
So Mary Sue belonged to all houses now and the entire Hall cheered in a cacophony of resounding praise. She smiled radiantly but took a seat at the Gryffindor table, right beside the one and only Harry Potter (now who could've seen that coming?).  
  
"Hello everyone! Would you like to hear all about me and my mysterious past?"  
  
Everyone nodded in a robotic manner.  
  
"Well, you see I became an orphan on Halloween night of 1980 when my parents mysteriously died and I had to live with my emotionally abusive aunt and uncle. So, Harry you and I can have some major bonding moments." Mary Sue winked at Harry, who immediately had to go change his pants.  
  
"Then, they mysteriously died too, so I was brought into a very large Wizard family where I was the youngest and never felt that I could live up to my foster parents' expectations and surpass the achievements of my very accomplished siblings. So I can totally identify with you Ron!" Ron, who had been staring at Mary Sue open-mouthed, now went into a fit of very unmanly giggles.  
  
"Then, they died too in a cow tipping accident, which isn't so very mysterious. But Hermione, you and I could basically be sisters because I then lived with a Muggle couple who were strict, but loving and very dedicated to their jobs as dentists!" Hermione pulled Mary Sue into a hug, sobbing on her perfect shoulder and finally released the pain of being an only child.  
  
But Hermione's tears would surely fade Mary Sue's lavender robes so she very politely, if forcefully, flung Hermione's crippled form to Seamus, who didn't mind in the least figuring out ways to comfort her.  
  
"Also, my hair and eye color change with the seasons. See, it's still summery now." She punctuated this by whipping her shiny, white blond hair around in a very Herbal Essence commercial type of way and fluttered her abnormally long lashes.  
  
"Ooh, and you know what the most interesting thing about me is? I am the Heir of Veela!"  
  
Only Colin Creevey looked slightly puzzled by this new information. "Wait, but there is no Heir of Ve-"  
  
"Well, well, I'm very tired now, I think I'll go to bed. Not that I really need the Beauty Sleep now do I?" She laughed at her own joke, her laughter crystal clear, like a tinkling bell. Everyone roared with laughter too as if this was Jerry Seinfield at his best.  
  
She looked perplexed for a moment though. "Oh, but where should I sleep?"  
  
Everyone scrambled around her, pitching the extravagant, sterling qualities of their Houses.  
  
"Stay in Gryffindor! We have a nice warm fire, good people and you don't have to worry about your roommates offing you in the middle of the night, unlike some other Houses we know-"  
  
"Stay in Slytherin! We have silk sheets, piles of money for pillows, and every night Professor Snape tucks everyone into their bed and sings them songs from The Sound of Music!"  
  
Shape blushed accordingly.  
  
"Stay in Ravenclaw! Our common room is decorated in classical Grecian art, we feast on French cuisine, and all night we tell each other how much better we are then everyone else!"  
  
"Stay in Hufflepuff! We. spend half the night looking for our House, and spend the rest of it trying to remember the password.but once you get in, it's really great!"  
  
In the end, Mary Sue decided to stay with the Slytherins, but only because she thought Professor Snape would have a beautiful saprano voice. Malfoy offered his arm in a surprisingly gentlemen-like gesture and Mary Sue took it. As everyone headed out the door, Dumbledore sprang to the podium.  
  
"Wait! I haven't told you what parts of the castle are forbidden this year so you can find them anyway to snog in!"  
  
To be continued. 


	2. Potions Class

It's the middle of October now and the foliage around Hogwarts can only be described as sporadic bursts of cranberry red, vibrant orange, and deep brown. The point being that all of these hues perfectly complimented Mary Sue's new coloring of onyx black locks and yellow-orange eyes ("For the upcoming holiday of course!").  
  
Mary Sue had stayed in the Slytherin dorms for about 3 weeks and had attended her classes with them. The warm sunshine effect she had on everybody did in fact work on the Slytherins too and thereby, changed their whole outlook on life! Tired of the bad reputation that was associated with their House's name, they immediately changed it to the Happy- Go-Lucky-People. Well it was either that or Worshippers-Of- Barney. Which one do you think was better?  
  
She resides now with the Gryffindors and is having her first Potions lesson. Mary Sue often did not understand the lessons taught at Hogwarts well, and so just like on a Teletubbies episode, new information had to be taught over and over. Many times one lesson would last over a week, for her sake. No one minded though, she's Mary Sue and therefore can do no wrong.  
  
Some of the Gryffindors weren't sure of how the evil, terrible Professor Snape would treat their precious Mary Sue though. They were somewhat astonished when he gathered Mary Sue into a great bear hug complete with noogies after he entered the dungeon, but only mildly so because, as I have said before and as you will hear again, she's Mary Sue and how could anyone not love her? She is a kind, loving, well- mannered girl and so it was completely in character for Snape to fall madly in love with her (well, it is now since Snape is the Head of the Happy-Go-Lucky-People House). They were very surprised however, by the warm, rosy tint that the flowing magenta robes he wore this morning brought to their once sallow-skinned teacher. Many of them were vaguely thinking that he could be a Gladrags model...  
  
"How was your morning, Herr Vontrap?"  
  
"Just spiffing, Leisel."  
  
The exchange between teacher and adorable, perfect student left the students (and probably you as well) thinking the exact same thing.  
  
What the..?  
  
What they didn't know was that while Mary Sue had stayed with the Happy-Go-Lucky-People, she and the professor had deeply bonded after discovering their mutual love of Muggle musicals and scrap booking. Indeed, she had joined him in his task of singing the children to sleep every night, his high saprano and her deep baritone voice blending perfectly, then joining him in the dungeons for an intensive scrap booking marathon! She had been delighted to see his past scrap books of the Sorting Hat, Mrs. Norris' napping pillow, and Professor Trelawney's crystal ball. They now were great friends and used nicknames for each other from their favorite musicals.  
  
"Today, we're going to make deadly poisons and I want everybody to pair up with their best friend!" He cried out in cheerful tones. Harry chose Ron to partner with and Hermione chose a book. Following Malfoy's example, Mary Sue chose herself, but really, she was only thinking of the mass hysteria that would break out if she announced to the class that she needed a partner. I mean, everybody is her best friend, how could she choose?!  
  
Snape began blathering on about the importance of deadly poisons in our daily lives, but for the sake of your boredom, we'll skip that. Finally, he asked questions about the ingredients, doubtlessly hoping to give Gryffindor more points.  
  
"What type of meat do I add to make this poison complete?"  
  
Mary Sue confidently raised a delicate hand with the grace of Broadway's best dancer. With a sparkling smile she answered, "Cantaloupe."  
  
This was wrong as you can imagine, yet everyone accepted this. Mary Sue was applauded for her genius and many students were planning a party in her honor later tonight.  
  
"Your quick mind astonishes me, Mary Sue." Snape said with the grin of a charmed uncle. His now tightly curled tresses bounced energetically on his shoulders as he announced, "100 points to, er- how does it go again- Griffclawslythpuff!"  
  
"Ooh we're in first place now!" Cried Mary Sue rapturously.  
  
(Which you would think would be awfully hard since there's only one person in that house...)  
  
So, everyone placed a medium-sized cantaloupe (which Snape had in abundance in his private stores) in their poisons and drank heartily, blissfully unaware that adding a cantaloupe to a deadly poison turns it into Secret Desire potion (though no one really knows why a cantaloupe has that effect on it.).  
  
Harry ran off crying something about his parents.  
  
Ron climbed on top of his desk yelling at the top of his lungs, "I'm the King of the World!" followed by energetic whooping.  
  
Hermione was backing slowly towards the door, muttering, "Must free House-Elves."  
  
Malfoy was pushing Ron off his desk and taking his place as "King of the World, Universe, and well, Anywhere That Has Potential Servants".  
  
Snape was- well, you really don't want to know what Snape was doing, but it involved a seat cushion and oysters.  
  
Mary Sue, oddly enough, was sitting in her chair, staring off into space. What with all the peace meetings, confusing classes and beauty salon appointments she attended, it was perfectly understandable that she would want a bit of time to simply act her stupid self.  
  
When everyone's secret desires had worn off, Snape awarded Mary Sue with an additional 100 points for her ingenuity in accomplishing next week's potion this week. Together, they finished the class with their rendition of 'Oklahoma!'  
  
To be continued. 


	3. A Night of Quidditch

The morning of October 31st dawned bright and clear. Usually Hogwarts would already have had deep, rumbling thunder storms once a week and on other days fog-filled, chilly days this time of year, yet with the appearance of Mary Sue, everyday was a sunshiny day.  
  
Harry woke with the red, hot sun blinding him and a grin on his face. Well, it wasn't so much of a grin as it was a deeply excited expression. Okay, so it was a grin.  
  
He was terribly anticipating being able to bond with Mary Sue, this being the day that both their parents had mysteriously died. Springing out of bed and doing a short version of the infamous touch-down dance, he flung on his robes and headed down to the Great Hall.  
  
Ron had barely awoken and was staring blearily at Harry's retreating figure.  
  
"Harry, what are you doing? It's 5:00 o' clock on Saturday-"  
  
Harry raised a hand to still Ron. "Can't talk now, have moping and deep connection making to do with Mary Sue."  
  
Ron's look of extreme jealousy went unnoticed by Harry as he jauntily closed the door. "Lucky blighter," he muttered and went back to dreaming of Mary Sue. ***  
  
"Mary Sue! Mary Sue! MARY SUE!"  
  
Mary Sue raised calm orangey-red eyes (they're in a transitional stage, okay? They're still incredibly beautiful!) from her buttered toast and to whoever was desperately calling her name. Harry stumbled to the seat next to her, clutching the apparent stitch in his side and breathing hoarsely.  
  
"Do. you. know. what. day. it. is?"  
  
Mary Sue nodded and promptly replied, "Saturday." She looked around at everyone, expecting them to cheer her for knowing such a difficult subject. They did.  
  
"No, that's not what I meant, but good job anyway! No, I meant," Harry's face suddenly took on the perfect morose, puppy dog look. "This is the day our parents died." "Oh? That's nice. Pass the bacon please, it's delicious."  
  
The thought that Mary Sue was even the slightest bit of a vapid, shallow waste of space because of this comment did not occur to Harry. No, he was thinking much more miserable thoughts like, "She must already have mourned privately," and "Obviously she wouldn't want to mourn with me, she must have already found a much more sensitive guy- like Malfoy," and then less miserable thoughts like, "She's soooooooo beautiful! I wonder if she knows how gorgeous she is?"  
  
Harry burst out laughing at that last thought.  
  
"Naaahhh."  
  
Mary Sue suddenly turned towards him and Harry felt a bomb go off in his heart. No really, one did. Madame Pomfrey stepped in for a minute of two to fix the small hole, Dumbledore came by and told Harry that this was clearly Voldemort's doing, but Harry shooshed him away so that Mary Sue could say whatever it was she had been 5 minutes ago. Dumbledore fled to his room, brought out his blankie and stuffed toy called Mr. Stuffles, and sucked his thumb, all very wisely.  
  
"ANYWAY." said Harry with deep annoyance, glaring under the table where I, the author, am hiding to write down all the dialogue and desperately avoiding looking up anyone's skirt. That's right, not any girl's, anyone's. You'd never know it, but there's quite a lot of wizards who do enjoy the occasional ' healthy breeze round their privates' at Hogwarts and-  
  
Harry's glare intensifies.  
  
-okay I'll shut up now.  
  
"Harry, I wanted to know if there are any open spots on the Gryffindor Quidditch team?" Mary Sue asked finally.  
  
"Oh, do you play?"  
  
"No, actually, I've never even flown before and I have no idea what the rules are, but I feel that it would get me a bit more popularity with the students. I feel as if no one knows me!" Mary Sue confided while pouring a container of milk that had her picture on it with the title of 'Mary Sue, er. Something! Hogwarts' Best!' into a glass that had her picture on it, and then stirring it with a spoon with her picture on it, and then wiping her mouth with a napkin that had her picture on it, and so on and so on.  
  
"Well we've got lots of positions open! Hundreds! Tons!" Harry exclaimed, which was a total lie, but who cared if they had to knock off one of their regular players for a likely-to- be extraordinary, magnanimous player like Mary Sue?  
  
They made plans to meet on the Quidditch field that night, forgetting completely about the Hallowen feast and that dastardly things usually happened on this night.  
  
***  
  
"Okay, just place your wand arm above the broom and say, 'UP!'" Harry instructed as Mary Sue, in swishy, glimmering gold robes that set off her brown-streaked-black hair, placed his own Firebolt near her sweet, beautiful feet.  
  
With her hand perfectly poised, she said in great commanding, and very much melodramatic tones, "UP!"  
  
The broom, which usually would just lie still if it felt the rider would be untrustworthy, scampered away in the opposite direction with scared little yelping noises. Harry ran off to it, flew onto the ground to catch it, and brought it back struggling in his firm grip.  
  
"Sorry, it's never acted this way before. It must be because you're so beautiful." Said Harry apologetically, yet also disgustingly awed.  
  
If the Firebolt had eyes, it would be rolling them right now.  
  
"Thank you," Mary Sue said with a perfunctory blush. Oh yeah, the girl had the whole coquettish thing down good.  
  
Fearing that the Firebolt would run off again, Harry simply held it still while Mary Sue climbed on, and then gripping it with her thighs of steel! With a single, great push she was off.  
  
There she was, soaring high, high above the clouds (like SUPERMAN!). Her brown-streaked black hair gleamed in the soft light and rippled behind her slender form. Her orangey-red eyes and cheeks glowed with the adrenaline Harry knew so well whenever he took off in flight. Not surprisingly, she was a fantastic flier. Harry had no idea you could do such things on a broom, or where many of her suddenly appearing props had come from, but he didn't care. Finally someone understood what it was like to be utterly fantastic at Quidditch! He knew she would be special, but this.  
  
The polished, chestnut tip of her broom seemed about to touch the bright silver moon itself when, after an incredible acrobatic twisting flip while balancing a coffee pot on her head, she plummeted straight to the ground. The crumpled pile of silk and lace gold robes was indeed a pitiful, but ever beautiful sight.  
  
"AAAAGH!"  
  
Harry had already been rushing to Mary Sue's rescue when he'd seen her falling, and now after hearing this terrified scream pierce the night air with the power of someone just losing the love of there life, he increased his speed to that of Anna Nicole Smith driving to the liquor store.  
  
Which is unreasonably and frighteningly fast, mind you.  
  
Crystalline tears were pouring down Mary Sue's face with great abandon as she lay in the fetal position, clutching her hand to her chest. Kneeling down, Harry cautiously placed his hand on hers and brought it close to see the horrible, deep, permanent gash overflowing with blood he was sure that would be there. His forest green eyes, full of concern and sympathy, looked down to behold-  
  
A single broken nail.  
  
"Is it very bad?" Mary Sue whispered, biting her full, pink, slightly dry, bottom lip.  
  
Harry didn't have the heart to tell her that she would have to wait a full two weeks before her nail grew to the length of her other perfect nails. Two weeks! It was a lifetime!  
  
"Oh, it'll be just fine. I'm sure."  
  
Gently he lifted her limp, featherweight, tiny, very small, quaint, skinny, little, miniature (er, did I mention small?) form and carried her effortlessly to the castle. Mary Sue's pure tears drenched Harry's own robes as she cried on his strong, manly suddenly buff shoulder. They forever sparkled and smelled of Irish Spring thereafter.  
  
To be continued.  
  
A/N: Did I mention how very much in love I am with all of my reviewers? Thank you. 


	4. Romance and DADA class

Mary Sue stayed in the hospital for a whole week, where she received the highest number of Get Well cards ever in the history of Hogwarts, plus one shiny toilet seat from Fred and George.  
  
After dropping her off the first night, Harry felt so guilty for what had happened that he couldn't bring himself to visit her again. He did however make her a very brightly colored and decorated card that sang disturbingly like Snape, 'You Are So Beautiful To Me.'  
  
Ron came back one night from visiting Mary Sue however and with a very cold look, told Harry, "She wants to see you."  
  
"Really?" Harry gasped.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Ooh, but what will I wear?"  
  
"I don't care."  
  
"Ron, you're not helping. Now really, the blue robes or aqua- "  
  
"Sod off."  
  
Shrugging, Harry jauntily strode to his dresser and picked out a very suave looking standard school robe (which all happen to look the same), his favorite one. Yet, a sense of foreboding was certainly in the air as he left. Would Mary Sue come between him and his best friend (GASP!)?  
  
***  
  
The hospital was a horrible, disgusting place for Mary Sue. Even though her friends (meaning everyone in the castle) had brought her certain things to make her stay there more roomy, like a quilt, her favorite pillow, a floor length gilt mirror, a deluxe pool table and activity center with personal chef (you know, small things like that), Madame Pomfrey still insisted on her wearing the horrid hospital gown, which did absolutely nothing for her complexion.  
  
When Harry walked into the cold, gloomy, brightly decorated room, he could feel Mary Sue's utter desperation. It was either that or all the upside down happy faces she had drawn on the walls. He sat down next to her and she finally brought her not-as-bright-and-shiny-as-usual red eyes to his.  
  
"I just wanted to thank you Harry. For all that you did, during. during the Quidditch accident." Mary Sue stared out the window, focusing on the sudden storm that had appeared because it sets the perfect melancholy atmosphere.  
  
Harry felt his heart squeeze when he saw Mary Sue's pained expression, his eyes unbiddenly traveled down to her now almost perfect hands, settling on the single short nail. That short, unpolished, slightly chipped nail was the only thing standing in the way of Mary Sue's utter perfection. Oh why were the Gods so cruel?!  
  
Taking her hand (oh! Such petal soft, buttery hands!) in his, he consoled her. "It's all right. Let it all out."  
  
Mary Sue cried for 3 hours.  
  
Then Harry handed her a tissue.  
  
Then she cried for another 3 hours because of his utter kindness.  
  
While Mary Sue was sobbing rather unbecomingly and dripping snot all over him, Harry realized suddenly that he was deeply and madly in love with her. He knew everyone else was in love with her as well, but his was a more profound love! Why? Well, because he says so!  
  
Oh, but he couldn't possibly tell her now! No, not in her time of great need and when she could use some emotional encouragement! No, he must tell her at a more romantic setting, like in the middle of Herbology, or after accidentally following her into the girls' bathroom, or after catching her pick her nose.  
  
Mary Sue raised her head slowly, aware of the distant, romantic music playing softly in the background. It sounded an awful lot like Kenny G.  
  
"What do I do now, Mary Sue?" Harry asked while bending closer to her perfect face and looking hopefully into her ruby red eyes. Obviously he knows exactly what to do next.  
  
Mary Sue brought a soft hand to cup his cheek. "I think this is where you kiss me."  
  
And so he did.  
  
The touch of her velvety lips on his was heaven. It was as if he had drunk from the fountain of youth, like some pure, liquid was pouring into every atom of his body and cleansing it. His cheeks flushed, his heart banged in his chest in an utterly pleasurable way, and his very soul lifted from his body to watch from overhead.  
  
Harry deepened the kiss and was sure that in doing so, he and Mary Sue were creating earthquakes, so great was the kiss. It was a beautiful, wonderful, exquisite, magnificent, superb, fantastic, amazing, lovely, grand, great, nice, sorta good expression of their intense feelings for each other.  
  
And it lasted for about 30 minutes.  
  
One rather lengthy kiss for an entire 30 minutes.  
  
Then they decided that it was way past curfew, being 6:00 P.M. and that Harry needed to rush back to Gryffindor tower. Harry escaped being caught by Filch, however he ran into someone even more unpleasant, who deemed it extremely necessary to show him all of his new scrap books.  
  
***  
  
The next day Mary Sue was released from the hospital so that she could spend more time with her new boyfriend. Everyone thought they were the cutest, wootest, widdle couple you ever did see.  
  
Their first class was Defense Against the Dark Arts. It was Mary Sue's first time in the class, but she wasn't nervous at all. It seemed her whole life, she had been fighting against evil creatures wanting to steal her away to some high tower, or drain her of her extraordinary powers to use for themselves, or simply get her autograph.  
  
Mary Sue and Harry sat next to each other, holding hands (of course, not with the evil, imperfect hand!!) and giggling a lot. The class gave a collective sigh around them, with exclamations of "How cute!" and "Isn't that so pwecious!" and even a "Bleuuurggh!". Okay, so the last one was from Ron, and the other two were from Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnegan. The class's attention was finally brought to Professor Quilocklupoody, who was the new DADA teacher.  
  
She was, and there was no other way to say it, super duper cool. She wore a purple turban on her head, had a great, charming smile, was never around on a full moon, and had a bulging, magical eye. She was also very beautiful, with long, silky red hair, and well, one warm cinnamon eye. She had a charismatic charm to her also, that made every class a delight to be in, and how the Gryffindors knew this since they'd never been in her class before, I have no idea. Perhaps they've all been working harder in Divination.  
  
"Hello all," She said, her voice ringing across the dungeon pleasantly. "This being your first lesson, I thought we'd have a fun, little experiment. Now I know you've learned about the Forbidden Curses, and that your last teacher tried the Imperius Curse on you, but today, you're going to try to block the Cruciatus Curse and Avada Kedavra!" She smiled widely at the students, as if she had just announced that everybody would be given a slab of Honeyduke's chocolate the size of Hagrid.  
  
Okay, so maybe she wasn't as super, duper cool as they had all thought.  
  
Mary Sue, being the only one still excited about their lesson, raised her hand.  
  
"Yes?" Professor Quilocklupoody asked, raising an eyebrow at the beautiful girl.  
  
"I'm new at the school here and haven't blocked the Imperius Curse yet. Could you try it on me?"  
  
Quilocklupoody's bright smile faltered for just a second. "Why yes, dear. It would be my pleasure."  
  
Mary Sue positioned herself in front of the class, standing confidently. With an awfully happy grin, Quilocklupoody pointed her wand at her. Mary Sue suddenly heard a strange voice in her head, besides the ones that were usually in there.  
  
'Be ugly.' It called softly to her.  
  
Gasp! I would never!  
  
'Mess up your hair.' It asked.  
  
How dare you!  
  
'Wear last season's robes.'  
  
Never!  
  
'Make inappropriate bathroom noises.'  
  
No!  
  
'Go on a date with Snape.'  
  
N- well maybe. if he brought his scrap books.  
  
'Ewww.. Uh, don't use deodorant for a day.'  
  
What's deodorant?  
  
"Oookay, Mary Sue I think that's enough. We can all see that you can block the Imperius Curse. Er, very good." Quilocklupoony said, bringing Mary Sue out of her unfamiliar dreamy state and into her regular one. Mary Sue bowed while everyone cheered.  
  
So they went on to the Cruciatus Curse, but Mary Sue only found that she could exclaim, "Tee hee it tickles!"  
  
So they tried Avada Kedavra. Shots of green light spilled everywhere as it seemed Quilocklupoody was concentrating very hard. Mary Sue spent the time filing her nails.  
  
"You know Professor, I think you're doing it wrong. I feel so light, I think you just increased my life span!" Mary Sue giggled.  
  
"Why won't you die?!" Quilocklupoody gasped, who was out of breath and looking very drained.  
  
Mary Sue shrugged impishly.  
  
"Er, fine. Everybody has ten pages of homework! Class dismissed."  
  
Hermione raised a tentative hand, "On what, ma'am?"  
  
"I don't care! Anything! Make it up! Get out!"  
  
Everyone left the room, thinking the exact same thing.  
  
She's soooooooo cool!  
  
To be continued.. 


	5. The Quidditch Game and Thanksgiving

Mary Sue was quite unworried about her very first Quidditch match later that morning. Instead of staying up all night fretting about it like any normal person sharing her ultimate lack of any skills would do, Mary Sue had slept peacefully through the alarm clock of her own singing (which has been known to wake the dead) and was already twenty minutes late for the match. But really, there was silky, soft chestnut hair to be washed and perfect, professional-like make-up to be applied, so darn the time! Slipping on a seashell pink robe over the boxers and wife-beater she always slept in, she began her arduous work. (Not that Mary Sue is ugly without her make-up and hair done; she's astonishingly beautiful all the time! Really, I believe she simply does it to make the other girls in her dorm feel better about themselves, never mind that none of them are in the room at the time. It's all out of the pure goodness of her heart, angel that she is...).  
  
So it actually wasn't another hour till Mary Sue arrived on the Quidditch pitch, her hair in a sporty yet elegant quaff, her make-up accentuating all of her best features (meaning her entire face) and donning a robe that looked. very gross indeed. Though Mary Sue had tried out for the Gryffindor Quidditch team, it was decided that since Mary Sue earned points for her own House, she should simply play all the spots for her own Quidditch team. Since Puffclawgriffslyth's colors are red, blue, yellow, and green, Mary Sue came up with the brilliant beyond brilliant idea of mixing them together to become a lovely shade of... barf. Not that it made her look any less stunning, of course. She considered barf to be one of her best colors indeed.  
  
Mary Sue walked to the line of her opposing team, the Hufflepuffs, as regal as any queen. Taking a few minutes to wave 'Miss America-ish' at the crowd (who were all wearing barf-colored ribbons to show support of Mary Sue- and I do mean everyone, even the Hufflepuffs- but hey what did you expect, I mean, c'mon, they're Hufflepuffs, you could persuade them to buy you a shrubbery with a red herring for goodness sake...), she sobered and put on her game face, which entailed looking super cute in a competitive, aggressive kind of way. Madame Hooch blew her whistle and the game began.  
  
Hufflepuffs, as is the case with almost everything they do, are completely horrible at Quidditch. Have been for centuries and centuries, and is basically a known fact. Ninety-nine out of 100 Hufflepuffs have a total lack of sports talent (Cedric Diggory being the 1 out of 100 because he was somewhat good), and therefore everyone assumed that Mary Sue would have them beat in a nanosecond. However, we smart and intelligent people know differently.  
  
Mary Sue sat floating in mid air, thinking hard (meaning she was coming a little close to the possibility of forming the idea of an actual thought). But it all looked very picturesque, so no one really cared that the Hufflepuffs had scored ten points for their team already (10 points and only 20 minutes into the game! Why it was a Hufflepuff record!). Mary Sue was simply trying to remember the rules of the game.  
  
"Well I'm on a broomstick, so that seems right so far. and it's flying, so that should be right too... hmm... I wonder what my latest issue of Sensational Scrapbooking says- oh stop it! You've got to concentrate, Mary Sue!"  
  
The crowded bleachers below were going crazy, everyone cheering wildly. Instead of doing 'the wave', they did 'the Mary Sue', which involved flipping one's hair and giggling cherubically.  
  
Now what was it Harry had told Mary Sue? Catch a tiny, golden ball with wings. She searched around for such a ball and found none. Then a large red ball caught her eye. 'Aha! I've found it!'  
  
The Hufflepuffs were just about to make their second goal when Mary Sue streamlined through them like a bowling ball. The Quaffle, er, I mean snitch flew up into the air and then landed in Mary Sue's two perfect hands.  
  
"I've caught it! I've caught the Snitch!" Mary Sue cried triumphantly.  
  
The stadium erupted. Mary Sue drifted peacefully down to the ground to meet with her fans. No, she had never smiled as much as she did now, except for that one time when her hair had come out really, really perfectly from the hair dressers, but honestly, how could you beat that?  
  
  
  
Mary Sue, a proud American (which I forgot to tell you earlier, but you were all thinking it anyway), wanted to have a traditional Thanksgiving at Hogwarts and invited all of her closest friends. So the entire student body along with the faculty piled up in the Great Hall, ready for a rip roaring, Amish good time.  
  
Dressed as a traditional Pilgrim/Indian, Mary Sue taught them all a lesson in America's history.  
  
"So Pocahontas left her hometown of Los Angeles, California for Venice, Italy. There she met Sacagawea, who carried Pocahontas on her back as they toured the Italian countryside. Finally they felt like leaving, and easily found a cruise ship to take them home. Its name was the Juneweed, and its captain was Christopher Columbus, who later went on to direct a movie called Ha-"  
  
Fred Weasley interrupted Mary Sue's extremely intellectual lesson by raising his hand.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"What's a movie?"  
  
"Er, just never mind that- so with the help of Pocahontas and Sacagawea, Chris was able to find the New World and it's been a time of happiness and joy ever since. The end! Let's eat!"  
  
Mary Sue, saint that she is, had prepared the food for the feast herself, and therefore it was perfectly vile and disgusting. The students gorged themselves on traditional Thanksgiving and American entrées such as burritos, pork fried rice, eel, es cargo, sushi, and falafels. When the students left, they finally knew why America was absolutely the best country in the world and began making plans to transfer to one of the schools there immediately.  
  
To be continued. 


	6. Yule Ball and a Fight!

The Christmas season was soon upon the students of Hogwarts, and with Mary Sue's permission, the weather finally turned snowy like it should be at this time of year. Every single student stayed at the castle because, how could they ever leave their dear Mary Sue?! Hogsmeade was packed with all the extra students who spent their time discreetly stalking Mary Sue while she shopped for Christmas presents (most to herself). She never minded having stalkers though- hey, they helped carry her numerous bags of presents!  
  
Hogwarts was to host another Yule Ball this winter, not because Dumbledore wanted the students to stay at school because of Voldemort's rising power, and that they would be protected from him only at Hogwarts, or some silly substantial reason like that. No, Mary Sue had a new gown that she really, really liked and that just looked so awesome on her, so she made a petition to have a Yule Ball so that she could show it off, and, of course, the students all signed it immediately.  
  
Christmas morning was a bright and happy affair, but it was also boring, so we'll just skip right along to the night of the Yule Ball, which is much more exciting.  
  
Harry couldn't help but fidget as he dressed himself for the ball. He wore the same forest green dress robes as he had last year, which he had been told made him look very dashing (by Mrs. Weasley's and. Professor. Snape's. standards) but would that be enough for Mary Sue? The girl could dress in a Ronald McDonald costume covered with french fry grease and mustard stains, and still be able to stun everyone at the ball (er, and I mean in an entrancing, beautiful kind of way).  
  
Meanwhile, Ron kept shooting him death glares every few seconds, but perhaps that was because he was wearing last year's robes too, only they had grown a bit short on him, so Mrs. Weasley sent more lace to add to the hem to lengthen it. Needless to say, Ron didn't have a date to the ball.  
  
Not that Mary Sue hadn't tried to set him up with someone, just as she had done with many of the students whom she deemed would make "just the cutest couple ever!" (Which will basically reflect the author's taste in couples). Consequently, Mary Sue reconciled Hermione and Draco together, a pre-evil Tom Riddle came back somehow to ask Ginny to the dance, and Cho Chang dropped off the face of a cliff that was sure to have lots of sharp rocks at the bottom of wherever she landed. Mary Sue tried to get Lavender together with Ron by telling her to forget whatever that bat Professor Trelawney had said about red-haired men, but Lavender flat out refused once she saw Ron's dress robes (and sadly that was the final reason every girl gave when Mary Sue approached them).  
  
But really, Harry knew that Ron wouldn't be happy going with any girl as a date since it was Mary Sue he really wanted to go with (along with the rest of the male population at Hogwarts). However, he couldn't worry about the strain that one girl made on a five-year relationship with his best friend, not when he was going to go on a date with Mary Sue! Such a thing needed hours and hours of preparation.  
  
Finally he was ready, so Harry and Ron waited in the common room for Mary Sue.  
  
"I'm sorry you have to go to the dance alone, Ron." Harry said, trying to make conversation and being very oblivious. "It must be really hard seeing everyone else paired up, I mean, even Neville got a date with Pansy Parkinson. You'll just be standing there, swirling a half drunk cup of punch in your hand, bitterly watching everyone smiling and dancing around you as you lean against the refreshment table, wishing that you had someone, but more importantly wishing that you were someone and not just the tall, freckled geek wearing a lacy dress who stands out more in the crowd than a stick figure in a Rembrandt painting." He clapped Ron on the shoulder, chuckling slightly. "Yeah, it must really suck to be you."  
  
Ron shucked Harry's hand off of him. "Yeah, it must..."  
  
Just then Mary Sue came gliding down the staircase, her dainty feet stepping slowly so that Harry could take in the whole effect. Her mint green curls had been brushed to a shine, half of it held up by a bit of mistletoe and the lower half running down past her shoulders like a tropical waterfall. Her ruby red eyes sparkled, their color heightened by the deep red and green velvet of her dress. As Mary Sue descended the final step, a mystifying cloud of vanilla filled the air.  
  
"Ma... Ma... Mary Sue," sputtered Harry, his eyes as big as saucers, "you look... I... uh.."  
  
"Amazing." Ron finished for him, as dumbstruck as Harry.  
  
"Yeah, that."  
  
"Don't I though?" Mary Sue giggled as she preened for them. "Now c'mon, let's go. I have many more stares of astonished awe to induce, not to mention get down with my funky self."  
  
Mary Sue did indeed get more stares and got down with her funky self more than anybody had any right to. Being the expert dancer everyone expected her to be, Mary Sue taught the students classic dance moves such as the robot, the Macarena, and of course, the shuffle-your-feet-around-while- singing-the-lyrics-to-the-song-and-moving-your-hands-about-in- a-crazy-manner dance. Out of breath from finishing a country line dance to Moby's We Are All Made of Stars, Mary Sue took a break at the refreshment table, standing near Ron.  
  
"So Ron, having a fun time?" She asked brightly.  
  
Ron gave her a look that distinctly told her he was not.  
  
"Oh, right. I'm really sorry I couldn't find you a date, Ron. You know if it wasn't for Harry, I would have gone with you myself."  
  
Ron stared at her in shock. "Really? You would have wanted to go to the dance with... me?"  
  
"Of course! I think the way you brood around all the time, crack immature jokes, and go into fits of jealous anger is really, really attractive."  
  
"Well Mary Sue, you probably already knew this, but I really like y-"  
  
With all the bad timing of a joke told by Snape, Harry suddenly arrived by Mary Sue's side.  
  
"Whew! I never knew the Hokey-Pokey could be so intensive!"  
  
Mary Sue ignored him and asked, "What were you saying Ron?"  
  
Ron glanced darkly at Harry and replied, "Nothing."  
  
Now's the time where a sappy love song plays, which is supposed to fit the relationship of the characters, but doesn't often.  
  
'Tale as old as time.  
  
True as it can be  
  
Barely even friends  
  
Then somebody bends  
  
Unexpectedly  
  
Just a little change  
  
Small to say the least  
  
Both a little scared  
  
Neither one prepared  
  
Beauty and the Beast'  
  
"Oh Harry! This fits us perfectly. Wouldn't you like for this to be our song?"  
  
"Uh... sure." For some reason Harry seemed nervous. His hand was practically shaking in Mary Sue's, and his palms were so sweaty, that she and Harry left a puddle wherever they danced.  
  
Mary Sue, who was extraordinarily intuitive, immediately picked up on his feelings. "Harry, I can tell you're so happy and calm right now. Wouldn't you love for this moment to go on forever?"  
  
She laid her soft green head on Harry's shoulder and Harry felt his throat dry like a prune. It was now or never.  
  
"I... I love you Mary Sue."  
  
Mary Sue slowly raised her crimson eyes to his emerald ones. Her mouth dropped open for a couple of seconds with shock and joy. Crystalline tears were beginning to fall down her porcelain cheeks.  
  
"Oh Harry," She gasped. "I love me too!"  
  
Ah it was the perfect, romantic evening. After Beauty and the Beast played, Eminem's Without Me came on, and they decided that that was their song. Then came Metallica, and Sum 41, and Limp Bizkit. Finally they settled on Britney Spears' 'Oops, I Did It Again'- temporarily.  
  
The dance was finally ending. Mary Sue and Harry were preparing to leave when Ron tapped Harry on the shoulder.  
  
"Could we talk for a minute?"  
  
After small look of surprise, Harry answered. "Sure, what about?"  
  
Ron shook his head, "Outside."  
  
Ron led Harry to the outskirts of the castle, near the lake. He stared a few minutes at its now black colored depths, as if collecting his thoughts, while Harry stood there, half- dreaming of Mary Sue and the wonderful time they had had together at the dance. Ron finally turned around to see Harry with a silly grin on his face and his eyes glazed over, and this seemed to fan the fire of his anger even more.  
  
"You know, when I was growing up, I was always surrounded by my family. We all look the same, act the same, and people know us just by looking at our hair. And when Bill, Charlie, and Percy started going to Hogwarts and doing all these things, I was really excited to go. Bill was Head Boy, Charlie had his Quidditch, and Percy had his grades, so I could finally find my own place, you know? I thought I could finally be something other than another Weasley. But then I meet you on the train and we become friends, and I do become something- another one of Harry Potter's fans." He stopped as if wanting to be in control of his emotions, and then continued, staring hard at Harry. "Why does it always have to be you, huh? Why do you have to be famous all your life for the whole world without even asking for it, and I can't get a little attention at school for five seconds?! Oh but wait, that's not true," Ron stepped closer to Harry, his eyes narrowing, "you do like all this attention, don't you Harry? Every time something happens at Hogwarts, you're the one to find out and do something about it. You can't get enough of the fact that everyone in the Wizard world just loves you so much and-"  
  
"Ron I thought we already had this fight last year." Said Harry tiredly. "You know I never asked for any of this. Do you honestly think I wanted Voldemort to come and kill my parents so that I could live with the Dursleys? Then, when I come to Hogwarts and think my life's going to be actually happy, or at least normal for once, Voldemort just keeps coming after me-"  
  
"Oh boohoo for you. As if you don't know that Dumbledore will always be there to protect you from You-Know-Who, or better yet, you'll be the one to kill him once and for all! That's what everyone expects anyway..."  
  
"Fine! You want to make a name for yourself so bad, why don't you go off and kill him? It'd sure make my life a lot easier."  
  
"Yes, lose your best friend because we all know you've got tons more!" Ron snarled.  
  
"You're not acting like my best friend very much right now, are you? In fact," Harry said, his tone going from angry to slow and questioning, "were you ever really my friend? How do I know that you weren't any different from Malfoy that first day on the train? How do I know you didn't just use me to get popularity for yourself? And now it's backfired on you and you're finally realizing it."  
  
"Oh, oh so now you are admitting that you're 'Mr. Popular' and that people are just begging to be your friends? You really don't know me at all, do you?"  
  
"I know you're being a real jerk right now, don't I?"  
  
The fight paused for a second as each boy tried not to start bashing one another over the head.  
  
"This isn't even about me is it?" Harry continued. "You're just jealous because of Mary Sue, aren't you?"  
  
"Yes, okay, I am jealous. She's one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen and of course, she picks you as her boyfriend. And for awhile, I was okay with that, because," Ron shrugged his shoulders, "you know, why would she want me? Last year you had to get me a date with Padme and we all know how that turned out. So I knew that I didn't exactly have good luck with girls. But then tonight, Mary Sue told me that she would have gone with me to the dance- if it weren't for you. That's just the way it's always going to be isn't it? You're always going to be in the way."  
  
Harry, at a loss for words, studied the grass near his feet for a while. After a few seconds, he heard the pitter patter of feet and turned around to see Mary Sue striding (very gracefully and girlish) towards them.  
  
"Mary Sue what are you doing here?" He asked.  
  
"Well," she said breathlessly," I was waiting for the tensest moment."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Ron eyed the two of them and declared that he was going to bed. Harry watched him trudge off, a mixture of anger and guilt coursing through him.  
  
"So, tell me everything! What did he say, what did you say, are you going to duel for me in front of everyone at noon tomorrow?!" Mary Sue asked with the eagerness of a puppy that you just want to kick so badly.  
  
"I can't talk now, Mary Sue. I think I'm going to go to bed too." He shrugged off her hand from his shoulder and walked slowly to the castle.  
  
Mary Sue was so upset, she went directly to the Hogwart's kitchen and ate every piece of chocolate and sugary confection that the House Elves could make. And for the satisfaction of everyone reading this, she gained half a pound because of it.  
  
To be continued.  
  
A/N: Don't worry everyone, this is still going to be a funny, inane, spoof fic, but hey, every fic needs a good, serious fight, so here's mine. Though the plot is thickening, isn't it? Next chapter, Mary Sue will change into a new House and just may find a new love interest there, and we'll join the Gryffindors and Slytherins in a Care of Magical Creatures class and perhaps a short stint of another DADA class, because you all want to know more about Professor Poodyquilup. (oh whatever her name is!). Should be out pretty quick, I have about three quarters of it done already. Now be dears and go review! 


	7. A New Love Interest

It was the beginning of the New Year and Mary Sue, with winter white hair and crystal blue eyes, was back with the Happy-Go-Lucky- People (sometimes called the Students-Formerly-Known-As- Slytherins). She had considered staying with the Hufflepuffs, but she wondered if they were still a bit sore at her from the Quidditch match (which of course they weren't), and then there were the Ravenclaws, but really, their amount of intelligence was much to scary for her. So it was back to the good ol' Happy-Go- Lucky-People.  
  
To be honest, she didn't really know many of them besides Draco and Professor Snape. Of course, she had tucked the students into bed when she had stayed with them before, but when you're in the middle of a song ballad there's not much room for introductions, much less actual conversation. And she was always too busy trying to understand the lesson than chat during her classes with them, and during breaks she spent all her time surreptitiously stalking Harry. But Mary Sue supposed she could stick by Draco and become acquainted with his friends (Draco's one friend: the mirror).  
  
She spotted his silvery blonde head and began walking towards him- but something about the person standing beside him stopped her. That slack jaw, those hunched shoulders, that puddle of drool seeping slowly from his mouth- why Gregory Goyle was a HUNK! Mary Sue's heart hammered against her chest and she suddenly felt faint.  
  
"I'm with Harry, remember?" she muttered to herself. "He's... he's all I care about. Yes, Harry, Harry, Harry..."  
Gregory raised one beefy arm to swipe at his slobber and then laughed idiotically at himself, but as far as Mary Sue was concerned, he might as well have taken his shirt off and swished it around his head like a helicopter.  
"Oh! Oh, I think I need to sit down!" Mary Sue sat down, rapidly fanning herself and looking flushed.  
  
She was saved from having a major meltdown in front of her new housemates by rushing to Care of Magical Creatures an hour early. But really, Gregory had started burping the alphabet and she didn't think she could stay without rabidly pouncing on him and proclaiming herself as his personal slave, the seductive thing that he is. She spent the time before class fondly thinking of Gregory- er, Harry.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
Now comes the critical point in a story; the part that stretches and exhausts the author's intelligence and creativity to a minute, stomped on, and badly berated gumball- Trying To Write Hagrid's Accent...Properly (in other words, use half formed sentences loaded with apostrophes).  
  
"Wel'me t' Ca' O' Ma' Cre's, Ye', I' y' w'nt t' s' th't I w's dr' m'j'r. S'y th' ws dr'm m' f'r j'st'c'. 'nd 'll 'f th' 'thr sh'll'w th' w'll n't m'tt. W'n' h'v' 'ny m'n'y t' l'v' b'h'nd. W'n't h'v th' f'n' 'nd l'x'r's th'ngs 'n l'f' b'h'nd. B't j'st w'nt t' l'v c'mm'tt'd l'f b'h'nd. 'Nd th' t's 'll w'nt t' s'y abstemious?" said Hagrid, beaming at his students.  
  
They all stared at him blankly.  
  
Hermione stepped forward cautiously. "Here, Hagrid," and she handed him a dictionary. "Get some help." She patted his arm and stepped back into the crowd.  
  
Hagrid looked quite disgruntled. "Eez snot mea, ees tha' dum' awethur! Sheez makeen mea zownd all schtoopid! Aargh! Shea don' nowe haow ta right haw I tok! Knowbedy doez!" He threw his hands up in the air and pouted thoroughly for a few minutes. With an annoyed sigh, he picked up the dictionary and began thumbing through it. His interest seemed to grow and he began rapidly reading every page, his beady black eyes soaking up every word till he finished the book five minutes later. Snapping it shut and drawing himself up a little taller, he spoke at last.  
  
"Right, I am indeed grieved for the time spent while I better educated myself. I hope you will apply yourselves sedulously to the lesson to make up for the misused time. No time for querulous deprecation of my class now, for I will retaliate by calling you the felicitous names that come with such an offense."  
  
The class all stared again.  
  
"If you will just follow me, as my hut is hardly capacious... Don't be so obdurate now; come along.... Draco and Hermione, stop that osculation! Do not make me upbraid you two..."  
Unfortunately, as the new and improved Hagrid led them to a bright, sunny spot near the lake, he tripped on a gopher hole and once again became the warm-hearted, unlearned man we all know and love.  
  
Frolicking in the snow-covered clearing ahead of the class were what looked like tiny, blue and pink Furbies. One came up to Mary Sue (as she had a natural animal magnetism), stared up at her with its big innocent eyes, and purred. Immediately, Mary Sue cradled the fuzzy creature in her arms, and the rest of the class gave perfunctory oohs and ahhs.  
  
"These are Snarfulbunkelfills. They pin down and growl at extremely evil wizards whose names start with the letter V. Sure ter be dead useful near the end of this story- er, I mean year- er. I wasn't supposed ter tell yeh that."  
  
No one was really listening anyway.  
  
"Righ'," Hagrid spoke to the class. "Now, I'm going ter group yeh up in completely random order, I repeat- COMPLETELY RANDOM ORDER! Now, firs' group... Harry, Hermione, and Ron... second group... Parvati and Lavender... third group... Neville with... eh, yerself... fourth group... Mary Sue and Gregory..."  
Hagrid continued listing off the groups, but Mary Sue's ears had gone a little fuzzy. Harry gave her an apologetic half-smile and walked over to Hermione, still keeping far away indeed from Ron. Gregory stared at her with a look Mary Sue interpreted as 'smoulderingly', but what we would know as 'determining if she was A) a girl, B) his partner, and C) worthy of all his Gregory Goyle Goodness.'  
  
  
  
Mary Sue took the initiative. "H-Hi, I'm Mary Sue. We're supposed to be partners?"  
  
Gregory nodded in comprehension. "You. Me. Partners. Gooood."  
  
Mary Sue nearly fainted with such an obvious display of hunkety- hunkness. How could she resist him with his vacant stare, oversized slobbery lips, and- NO! No, thinking like that was all very, very wrong. Why Harry, with his... skinny, little body... and thick tufts of hair that made his head look like a prickly bush... and round glasses that were so 1940s... and... well, really he was her boyfriend and that should be enough! She forced herself to concentrate on the task at hand, though she had no idea what it was.  
  
"What's wrong Harry?" Hermione asked, noticing how Harry kept glancing to their right.  
  
Harry was watching Mary Sue, who was avidly working on her project by sitting on Goyle's lap, giggling, and playing with that git's, admittedly, silky soft hair. Surely that didn't mean anything though....  
  
"Nothing," Harry replied, quickly moving to get his bag. "Class is almost over and we've got to get to Defense Against the Dark Arts."  
  
Harry walked over to Mary Sue and Goyle, wanting to walk to Quilocklupoody's with her. With a look of disappointment that Harry carefully ignored, Mary Sue slowly got off Gregory's lap, said goodbye ("Tata, my great, gorgeous Greggykins!") and trudged off to class with her boyfriend, sneaking looks behind her all the way.  
  
  
  
"Everyone sit down. Settle down now class. Please, no more talking. WOULD YOU SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE TWITS!"  
  
This was the normal start of DADA class, which was still, surprisingly, everyone's favorite class. Sure, Professor Quilocklupoody spent all class testing murderous, pain-filled curses on Mary Sue, but it didn't really matter since she passed through them without the slightest twinge of pain. Many students believed their teacher was simply using Mary Sue to demonstrate how they should be acting. Most importantly, Quilocklupoody was very fetching when you couldn't see her magical eye, and that made up for her small tendency to screech at them during all of class, and pile them with loads of homework.  
  
"Today," said Quilocklupoody, carrying a vile with some bubbling, acid green liquid inside, and a sinister smile creeping up her face. "I think we'll try the Slowly-Killing-You-Just-When-You- Think-You're-Getting-Better potion. It's very mild. Though it's also very, very popular with Death Eaters. If you will, Miss Mary Sue?" She handed her the vile.  
  
Mary Sue downed it quickly, licking her lips afterwards. "Mmm, tastes like candy."  
  
Quilocklupoody frowned at this. "Most prisoners say that it tastes like the last of their bitter will and hope being sucked out of their souls... or so I've heard."  
  
Mary Sue shrugged and went back to doodling the name Gregory all over her notes.  
  
Looking very disappointed, Quilocklupoody shuffled back to her desk, sinking heavily into the leather chair behind it. With her auburn head in her long hands, she called out desperately. "Potter and Weasley please come to my desk."  
  
Harry and Ron, at opposite sides of the room, walked toward her.  
  
She was scribbling something on a piece of paper. "I need you two to look up some books for me in the library. Some are in the restricted section, so I'll sign you a note."  
  
  
  
She handed the names to Harry, who caught some titles such as Idiot Proof Poisons, When Killing Gets Complicated, and Students Who Knew Too Much And The Curses That Killed Them (with a forward by Professor Snape).  
  
"How long is this going to take?" asked Ron, his eyes staring tiredly at the ceiling. "I don't think I can take more than an hour in the library with the Great Harry Potter." He cut his eyes at Harry. "Or do you think you could call off your photo shoots and fan appearances for an afternoon?"  
  
"I thought you'd want them to come. Seems to be the only way you'd get attention, " Harry replied bitingly.  
  
Professor Quilocklupoody watched all of this with raised, perfectly shaped eyebrows. After a moment her spirits seemed to lift considerably. "Potter, you take over looking for the books and get that Granger girl to help, if you will. Weasley, I'd like to see you after class." She dismissed them, and class ended a few minutes later.  
  
Harry, Mary Sue, and Hermione all walked slowly toward the Great Hall for lunch. Harry gave Hermione the list of books and note, and she eagerly took off to the library. Immediately after she left, Harry took Mary Sue's hands in his, his eyes half-closed and shoulders slumping. "I am so tired of Ron and the way he's been acting lately. I'm just so glad to have you, Mary Sue."  
  
"Oh, right. about that," she stuttered, eyes downcast. "I... I... Harry, I've met someone else."  
  
Harry went white and slowly released Mary Sue's buttery soft hands.  
  
"I've only met him today, but... but I think it's love, Harry."  
  
"Goyle?!" Harry croaked, his eyes round.  
  
Mary Sue nodded, biting her lip. "Yes, and don't think it's just a lust thing. I mean, yes he's much more handsome, tall, and charmingly witty than you'll ever be," Mary Sue sounded breathless now. "But I really do love him."  
  
"Goyle?!"  
  
"I know, I don't know how I ever deserved him. Oh wait, yes I do! We're perfectly suited for each other. We'll be the King and Queen of Hogwarts and-"  
  
"GOYLE?!"  
  
Okay, Mary Sue was getting a little annoyed now. How hard is it to understand that Gregory is absolutely irresistible? Is he not totally the British version of Ben Affleck? "Yes, Harry! Gregory Arthur Goyle. Man of my dreams and thief of my heart. Just as I am the Guinevere to his Lancelot, the Juliet to his Romeo, the Jackie to his President Kennedy, or maybe the Marilyn to his President Kennedy, the Sooyoung to his Woody Allen, the Monica Lewinsky to his-"  
Harry's face was sickly green now. "Please, no more analogies."  
  
Mary Sue's face looked as nice as it could be for what she was about to say. "Face it, Harry. We're over."  
  
Harry stood there dully. He really should start expecting these days when everything would come crashing down on him, yet he remained surprised when they did. "Fine," he said, standing rigidly.  
  
But Harry, with his hands stuck stupidly in his pockets, felt the need for a parting shot. Something he knew would really hurt her to the core. "Well you know what else? I don't like your hair white. It makes you look like a Grandma...." which was a total lie, but Mary Sue didn't know that.  
  
"Oh Harry," Mary Sue's large, doe-like eyes filled with tears. "How could you be so mean as to say something like that!" She fled to her new dorms, and inevitably to Goyle's beefy, hairy, though admittedly, manly arms.  
  
Harry spent a long time in the hallway.  
  
There are some things you can't go through without ending up as friends, and there are some things you can't go through without ending up as enemies, and leaving your boyfriend for Gregory Goyle is one of them.  
To be continued... 


End file.
